


If we can be found (we sure can get lost)

by acylite



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Communication, During Canon, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mating Bites, Mating Bond, Past Violence, Post-Canon Fix-It, Relationship Discussions, Relationship Problems, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:26:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25793590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acylite/pseuds/acylite
Summary: Stiles tried to understand, he really did. He knew the meaning of the mating bite, knew the meaning behind their mortal eternity. And he knew that he didn't want a forever if he couldn't spend it with Derek."But maybe you'll change your mind, right? Like, in twenty years? When you finally understand that I won't leave you," Stiles tried to argue, already knowing it was in vain.Sadness tainted Derek's expression but at the same time firmness layed in the depths of his eyes."No. No, I will never cage you like that. Not now and not in twenty years," he answered, "I just want us to have a relationship like other peoples do. I want you to have the opportunity to leave."Or: an alternative universe, where Stiles and Derek didn't just fell in love with each other but also understood that a healthy relationship needs more than that.
Relationships: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski
Comments: 2
Kudos: 52





	If we can be found (we sure can get lost)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! A few words at the beginning:  
> \- I'm not a native speaker and I don't have a beta. Please excuse any weird phrasing, I tried my best.  
> \- This story is mostly canon until like the end of season three for Derek and season five for Stiles, but I changed some minor things (or simply don't mentioned them)  
> \- This fic's main point is being a character study and an insight of how I imagine the development of Stiles' and Derek's relationship, especially in consideration of all the traumatic events they've gone through (or how intellectual would say: plot what plot).  
> \- For clarifying: a mating bite in this fic is something that binds the partners together forever (as in "wolves mate for life") and a usual - but not obligate - procedure between Werwolfes. I won't go into details, so just note that the mating needs to be consual from both sides and can't be annulled afterwards.  
> \- One part of the story is one main event in the present, while the other part consists of different past events. Both narratives are always alternating. The change is always marked with a *  
> \- Disclaimer: Title is from the song "RED" by Survive Said The Prophet and the characters in this story are not mine
> 
> That's it, hope you enjoy it!

Stiles didn't really know what he'd expected but it wasn't for sure the immense delight that flooded him.  
Seeing Derek felt _good_. It was like his brain had stocked up a pile of endorphins and decided to release all of it in exact this moment.  
"Hey!" he shouted and waved, when Derek was only a few feets aways. He knew that this wasn't really necessary, because it was impossible that Derek hadn't spotted him yet, but he felt like he needed to release at least some of this sudden appeared energy. Well, at least he didn't start jumping up and down.  
Also, now he got to watch how Derek's face turned soft and god, he just realized how long it's been since he saw that face.  
"Hey," Derek answered and the corners of his lips twitched in such a familiar way.  
"Nice to see you again," Stiles said and wanted to punch himself in the face for it. Really? Nice to see you? He had spent the whole drive thinking about what he would say just for being betrayed by his brain in such a brutal way.  
Well, at least Derek seemed to feel quite awkward rd too, because he just nooded and stayed still for a few seconds, before vaguely gesturing to the dinner. "Want to head inside?  
"Uhm, yes. Yeah, of course, let's go."  
They had choosen a location a few miles away from Beacon Hills because if someone they knew saw them eating lunch together, everyone they knew would know that they were eating lunch together.   
And neither of them were ready to deal with something like that.   
Also since Stiles didn't knew the place he had a perfect excuse to occupy himself with the menu card as soon as they sat down. He immediately knew that he would order the curly fries and burger after one glance, but he still pretended studying the menu with high interest, while the spontaneous outburst of joy was slowly but surely being replaced by well-known, nagging anxiety.  
Because even though he was happy to see Derek - way more happier than he had imagined - he sure as hell didn't have a clue what he was supposed to do with those feelings.

*

The first thing Stiles did when Derek reappeared in his bedroom one night, after being away for months, was to punch him in the face. And he would have loved to go in for a second round, but his hand was already throbbing. Fucking wolf bones. So instead he proceeded to tell Derek that he won't hesitate to shoot some wolfsbane bullets at his groin if he didn't drag his ass out like right now.  
He didn't see Derek after that for a few days but he knew from Scott, that he apparently had moved back into the loft. Also Braeden didn't seemed to be with him. Stiles imagined her dumping the asshole after she figured out that she would have way more fun without him.  
It wasn't like Stiles hadn't missed Derek. He had, probably more than he was willing to admit. But it was hard not to blame him for leaving, leaving him alone to deal with Theo and Donovan and the new turned werwolfs, without even a way to contact him if necessary. Like, how the hell did he think that Scott would be capable of managing Beacon Hills? So Stiles did. Mostly. And he was fucking pissed and tired and so goddamn angry, because nobody ever asked him if he needed a good, long hike through the country. No, all he got was a fucking SMS.  
But at the same time he couldn't blame Derek for leaving either. Couldn't blame him for leaving the town that brought him nothing but pain and suffering.  
Maybe that's why one thing was bugging Stiles the most - he just couldn't understand why Derek had come back. And he wondered when Derek would leave again.  
Unfortunately he also couldn't avoid Derek forever, because he was now part of the pack again.   
So one day Stiles found himself driving to the loft, because he had found out something about their newest threat and needed Derek's opinion on it.  
When he arrived he immediately saw him outside, crouching next to the Camaro.   
Stiles parked next to him and got out of his own car, not bothering with a gretting.  
His curiosity won the upper hand though, so he couldn't hold himself back to ask, "Dude, what are you doing?"   
Derek briefly looked up, before answering. "Checking the pressure on the tires. Going to transport some heavy things later and don't need them to give out on me halfway. What do you need?"  
Stiles hold up the book he had brought with him. "Research. Just wanted to ask you something."  
"You drove here just to ask me something?"   
"I was in the area," Stiles mumbled, well knowing that Derek would be able to hear the lie.   
So before Derek would have a chance to comment on it, Stiles quickly asked, "What are you transporting?"  
At first Derek seemed reluctant to tell him, but he probably knew that Stiles would just continue to persist him about it.  
"I'm thinking about rebuilding our old house," Derek eventually said.  
Pictures of a burned down ruin flackered into Stiles mind. "Oh, wow," he exhaled. "That's... I mean, that's a good idea. I think. Does that mean that you're going to stay longer here?"  
"Well, I'm not planning to leave anytime soon", Derek answered, "I mean, technically it's still Hale's territory. And even if I'm not the Alpha anymore, I'm not going to leave it to Scott like that. I tried to stay with Cora, but it just didn't feel right."  
Stiles mind was racing with all the things he wanted to ask, but at the same time he didn't even know where to start. _Derek is staying_ , was repeated like a mantra in his head, the book in his hand and the origin reason for his visit forgotten for this moment.  
"Soo," Stiles dragged the last letter out, hoping it would give him enough time to come up with a good question. Well, his hope was for nothing, because all that came out of his mouth was, "How's Braeden?"   
Derek threw him a slightly irritated look, but answered nonetheless. "She's good, I guess. Doing her own thing somewhere."  
It wasn't until a few moments later that Stiles understood the meaning behind those words.  
"So you're not her thing anymore?" he asked, trying to act nonchalant.  
Derek, who had went back to checking the tires, scoffed. "No, Stiles." He talked slowly as if he was explaining something to a child. "I'm not her thing."  
"Oh, alright." Stiles stared at a point in the sky, before figuring out that he probably should at least offer somekind of emotional support. Even though it was weird to imagine Derek crying his heart out to him. But hey, you never know what's hidden behind those thick eyebrows.   
"You want to talk about it?"  
If Derek had seemed a bit irritated before he now looked completely confused. "Talk about what?"  
"Well, your break up. With Braeden."  
Derek looked at him as if Stiles had told him that he had been a werebunny all this time.  
"I never was in a relationship with her," Derek stated.  
"Ohh..." Stiles started tugging at the hem of his shirt. "Uhm. Did I said Braeden? I meant... bread. You know, Braeden, bread. Very familiar. Is Braeden even a real name? Okay, well, I guess I'm not the right one to talk. But, yeah, tell me. How's your relationship with bread? Like do you prefer it toasted and crunchy or- I don't know, that's basically the only acceptable way to eat bread. But I won't judge, I swear."  
Derek shook his head but Stiles could swear that the saw the beginning of a grin on his face.  
"You're an idiot, Stiles," he declared.  
"Well, that idiot is going to build a house with you, so suck it up, Sourwolf."

  
*

Falling in love with Derek after that was surprisingly easy and at the same time completely different than he would have ever imagined, Stiles thought while picking up one of his curly fries.  
While he had spent all of his teenage years looking at Lydia with heart shaped eyes or while he had thrown himself into a relationship with Malia - desperate to feel anything and yet only reaching emptiness - loving Derek was something that he only realized after it already felt as natural as breathing.  
Because he had always cared about, always trusted him.   
Even now Stiles caught himself scanning Derek's face for signs of tiredness or worry. Tried to detect if there was any tension in his shoulder, if there was any weight that Stiles could take from him.  
And he would have been a fool if he had denied the feeling of relief that blossomed inside him as he came to the conclusion, that Derek actually looked happy.  
Well, as happy as Derek could look like, but if Derek's facial expressions were a language, Stiles would have spoken it fluently.

*

"I don't get it!" Stiles yelled, following Derek through the flat.  
Derek scoffed without looking at him. "Well, I won't explain it to you for the fifthiet time."  
"Explain it? _Explain it?_ " shrieked Stiles and every other time he would have been embarrassed about the high octaves his voice hit but now he was way to angry to care. "You don't explain anything. You just fucking run away!"  
"I don't!"   
"What are you doing now then? Or do you usually move away from the people you're talking with?"   
At those words Derek finally came to a halt and turned back, even if just to glare at him.  
Stiles stubbornly hold his gaze, refusing to back down. "I'm listening. Please explain it for the fifty-first time."  
"Can't you just let it drop?" Derek asked, even though he now sounded more tired than annoyed.  
Stiles let his eyes slide to the place between Derek's neck and shoulder, knowing exactly that he won't find anything there expect for bare, tanend skin.  
"No, I can't. I'm not asking for the impossible, Derek," he said, "I'm just... You love me, right? You love me?" And Stiles wished that his anger would have found its way again into his words but they were left being hollow.  
"God, Stiles." Derek breathed out and slowly reached his hand out to cup Stiles cheek in it. Stiles wanted to pull back, the fight still not finished, still brooding between them, but this careful gesture seemed to be the only thing that was able to hold his deepest fear at bay.  
"Of course I do. You know how much I love you," Derek finally answered.  
"Then why?"  
Stiles also reached out, but instead of Derek's face he touched his shoulder.  
"If you need more time, you know I won't pressure you to anything," Stiles continued to talk, "But we at least need to discuss it. You can't just always say 'no' and expect me to accept it. Jesus, it's been over a year. We talked about kids like yesterday." Alright, Stiles had saw pictures of their neighbors' new born twins on Facebook and had persistent Derek so long until he had admitted that they actually looked quite cute. And then Stiles had continued to tease him about it, until Derek said that he would only adopt a child someday so that Stiles would have someone else to annoy. Still, same point.  
"We're not even living together yet," Derek tried to avoid an answer.   
"But that's only because Dad won't let me before graduation and now I have to decide where I want to go to college and..." Stiles brushed with his tumb over the smooth skin, feeling its heat. "And I want all of it, alright? I want all of you. I may not want _the_ bite, but it I want _your_ bite."  
"Stiles..." Derek said, voice shaking with something Stiles wasn't able to name. "I wish I could give it to you. I wish I could show everyone that you're my mate. But the wolf in me is not a part of you. You're human and I don't want you to ever feel like that isn't enough for me. It's probably more than I deserve. But if I bite you, if we mate, then you won't have a way out anymore. You'll be forced to either stay with me or be alone forever. Wolfs mate for life but humans don't and I just can't burden you with that decision."  
Stiles blinked, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to surface. He was torn between feeling touched by Derek's concern and being hurt that Derek thought that Stiles would ever want to leave him. How could he after all they went through? How could Derek not trust him to stay with him? That was like already thinking about a divorce before the actual marriage.  
Stiles tried to understand, he really did. He knew the meaning of the mating bite, knew the meaning behind their mortal eternity. And he knew that he didn't want a forever if he couldn't spend it with Derek.  
"But maybe you'll change your mind, right? Like, in twenty years? When you finally understand that I won't leave you," Stiles tried to argue, already knowing it was in vain.   
Sadness tainted Derek's expression but at the same time firmness layed in the depths of his eyes.  
"No. No, I will never cage you like that. Not now and not in twenty years," he answered, "I just want us to have a relationship like other peoples do. I want you to have the opportunity to leave."

*

The collar of Derek's shirt was high enough to hide most of the skin underneath but Stiles didn't need to see it to know that it was still unbroken, exactly like it had been nearly three years ago. Just like he knew that his own skin was decorated with all kind of scars expect for the one he had desperately wanted.  
Mating had never stopped to be a sore point between them. Had always led to fights and tears and accusation.  
Still, nothing was more painful than realizing that Derek had been right. Because in the end they didn't last, at least not how they were supposed to. Because now they were sitting here, throwing akward glances at each other. Really, Stiles tried so hard not to cringe about this sorry excuse of a conversation. Dropping casual comments about college, work and friends, but never coming near the topics that actually mattered. Never coming near anything that used to be theirs.  
Stiles had spent countless nights laying awake and wondering if having the opportunity to leave was more of a curse than a blessing. If being forced to stay also meant not being able to turn away from their problems. To have to face them and solve them.  
Sometimes he wondered if a simple bite would have saved their relationship.  
But after all nothing was simple, was it?  
Moving away from Beacon Hills to Irvine - near LA - for college hadn't been simple. Leaving Derek behind hadn't been simple. But what were they supposed to do? Derek had been so wonderful encouraging, had told him over and over that Stiles needed to take this opportunity. But at the same time Derek couldn't go with him, couldn't repeat the mistake of leaving the pack. Who would have thought, but after they finally got their shit sorted out, Derek and Scott were actually a good team. And as the pack bond had grown they also got quite a reputation that let most of the supernatural being think twice before entering the Hale territory. So they had been afraid that if Derek left with Stiles, the town would become a target again.  
Derek had promised him that they would make this work.   
Well, they didnt, at least not how Stiles hoped they would. It wasn't even a surprise. After all, how many time had Derek and Stiles sacrificed their own well being for the sake of others?  
Stiles quickly averted his eyes back to his food, hoping that his heartbeat hadn't revealed any of his thoughts.

*

Sometimes he called Lydia. Their friendship was one of the few things that hadn't changed over the last years. Sure, they weren't best buddies like he used to be with Scott and she never failed to remind him how busy she was, but she also never let the phone ring more than one time before answering him. So before Stiles could catch himself he had started to share his worries about Derek's and his relationship with her.  
"Just ... what if we aren't capable of being happy together? I mean, everything we ever did was bond through our pain," he had told her at one point.  
As soon as the words left his mouth he knew that she would've hit him for them if she had the chance.  
But they were true, weren't they?   
They bonded through their loss. Derek missed his family just like Stiles missed his mom.   
They bonded through their guilt. Derek would never forgive himself for Kate, for losing Ereka and Boyd and in a sense Issac too, and Stiles would never forgive himself for letting the nogituse into his head, for losing Allison and all the other innocent people.  
They bonded through their fears. Derek had nightmares full of fire and Stiles had nightmares full of blood.  
They bonded through all the deaths around them - _through the probability of dying_ \- because it had been the only way to survive.  
Their friends always told them that they had saved each other. And they didn't mean the time Stiles hold Derek above the water for two hours or whenever Derek threw himself between Stiles and the next hit.  
They meant that Stiles gave Derek a new, real pack. Nothing could replace his family but he wasn't alone anymore. And Derek helped Stiles to mend his relationship with his dad after all the lies and hiding. Nothing would bring his mom back but at least he didn't lose his dad too.  
They meant that Stiles gained Derek's trust. Nothing would erase Kate's doing but Derek wasn't afraid to love anymore. And Derek had hold Stiles, panic attack after panic attack, long night after long night, had whispered calm words into his ear until he finally felt save and grounded again. Nothing could take away the deep dread that filled up Stiles chest whenever he felt like he might have lost control again but Derek was always there, was always real.  
They meant that Stiles didn't question it when Derek always sat a few feet away if there was a bonfire. And Derek silently went along whenever Stiles visited graves he wasn't supposed to have a connection to.  
That's just how things had worked out between them.  
So, now that everything seemed to have settled down more or less, now that they didn't need each other anymore - need it like it was the only thing that promised a tomorrow - what was left? What was holding them together?  
"Stiles," Lydia finally said after a long pause, "Don't think like that."  
And Stiles laughed because he knew, he knew how dumb it was.   
But he didn't stop worrying.

*

"Is that your first time back here?"  
Startled Stiles looked up. "Oh, no. I was here during Christmas. You know, didn't want pops to feel alone. I - I guess we didn't meet."  
Something shifted in Derek's expression, so Stiles hurried to continue. "Not that I was avoiding you or something like that. Just... I wasn't really long here anyway. Like three days? Or maybe four? And my jeep was still here but it needed some fixing and like I said I didn't stay long so dad didn't think about preparing it for me. So if I wanted to come over I would have needed to ask someone to drive me and I figured that would have been awkward. Not that me wanting to meet you is awkward. I mean - absolutely not awkward. We're super duber okay, right? Just me and you, meeting like good ol' pals."  
"Stiles–"   
"Also I obviously didn't knew your plans and I didn't want to just show up and disturb you..."  
" _Stiles_ ," repeated Derek, this time forcefuller.   
And Stiles actually closed his mouth.  
"It's fine." Derek leaned back. "I wasn't even in Beacon Hills during Christmas."  
"You weren't?"  
"No. I spent it with Cora and her pack. At first I didn't want to but it was actually Kira who insisted that I should spent more time with my sister."  
"That's good, really. Glad that there's still someone here who kicks you in the ass when you need it." Stiles couldn't hide a grin.  
Derek on the other hand rolled his eyes. "As if you could ever tell me what to do."  
"Oh boy." Stiles leaned forward. "What about that one Halloween party where I convinced you to dress up? Or as you went back to the super market because you had forgotten my favorite chocolate? Or as we bought the grey candles instead of the blue ones because I told you they would suit your couch better!" Stiles cracked a smile in triumph.  
"Alright, alright. Sometimes you were so annoying, that I decided to be the smarter one and back down, so you would stop whining," Derek simply said.   
"Yeah, sure. Keep dreaming," Stiles snorted.  
"By the way, do you still have them? The candles I mean," he added.  
Stiles could have sworn that Derek looked kinda sheepishly as he answered. "Yes. I just took everything with me when I moved from the loft into the house. I didn throw... like any of the stuff away, that you left there. So if you want anything, just tell me."  
"Oh, no, no." Stiles raised his hands. "That's not why I asked. I told you, they're yours. For all I care you can spent all of your evenings dancing in the living room in candle light as if you were filming a dramatic MV."  
Derek blinked. "We did that once."  
Now it was Stiles turn to feel the heat creeping into his cheeks. "Yeah, you're right. We... did that."  
Somehow talking got easier after that. They still avoided specific topics but it didn't feel like maneuvering through a minefield anymore.  
Like he could finally be just himself again, without worrying if it would bother Derek.  
The thing was - his ADHD wasn't something that just just vanished as he grew up. It wasn't just a chemical unbalance in his brain. It wasn't just taking meds and being cured or some shit like that. It was a part of him, deep embedded. So he knew that his fidgeting and talking like a waterfall often annoyed people. But this wasn't him being _sick_ , this was him being Stiles. And Stiles liked to think that Derek got this. Sure, he had told him more than once to shut up or simply shoved him into a wall. But he would also crumble his eyebrows in something resembling confusion and worry if Stiles had been indeed quieter than usual. And he would let Stiles ramble for hours and that was something not even his dad was always capable to endure.  
But apart from all that - and that may be the most remarkable thing - Stiles actually hadn't minded the silence with Derek. He hadn't minded laying together in bed, his head on the other man's chest. Finally being able to hear his heartbeat just like he knew how Derek always listened to his.  
The urge to fill every second of his being with talking had succumbed under those soft touches. Because he knew that no matter what, Derek would always listen.  
And even now, as those moments had began to become a fading memory, Derek still listened.  
So as Stiles lost track of the time and the waitress appeared again, asking them if they would like anything else or wanted to pay, he ordered a milkshake without hesitating.

*

On top of everything, lately everyone seemed to think that they had any business in their relationship and it annoyed the fuck out of him.   
"Do you always need to fight?" Scott huffed out one day, wearing an annoyed expression. "I hate dealing with moody Derek."  
" _Because you and Allison ever stopped fighting?"_ Stiles wanted to ask. But he didn't because even though talking about Allison wasn't as impossible as it used to be, bringing her up like that wasn't fair.  
So he just shrugged and mumbled something about trying to work it out.  
In this moment, Stiles wished he could talk with Scott. Could tell him, how he slowly stopped looking towards spending time in Beacon Hills, because missing Derek was easier than fighting with Derek.  
Could tell him, how he discovered every time more and more how unlike they actually were. How little interests they shared, now that they weren't daily saving each other's asses anymore, now that each of them had a part in his life the other one didn't belong to. And at the same time he couldn't lose Derek, the absence of a mating bite reminding him how real that possibility was.   
Because how was he supposed to ever love someone who didn't know about the darkest parts inside of him? Who he would have to keep secrets from? How was he supposed to ever love someone who wasn't Derek?   
But mostly, Stiles wished he could tell him how utterly confused he sometimes felt. Torn between his new friends at college and their wonderful normal lives and the deep fear that one day the supernatural will catch up with him and take everything away again.  
Unable to escape, unable to forget.

*

Stiles twirled the straw in his milkshake, listening to Derek's story about the older guy, in whose garage he had started working. It wasn't like Derek actually needed the job, but he told Stiles that after finishing rebuilding the Hale house he had took a liking in repairing things.  
It was weird to hear Derek talking about people Stiles never met. But he guessed that Derek probably felt the same when Stiles talked about his college friends.  
To be honest, he was glad that Derek had began to develop relationships with people outside the pack. He understood that it was hard for Derek to meet people and find new friends, after being on his own for so long.  
Yet, Stiles had spent years trying to fill the loneliness inside the other man's heart. He would hate nothing more than seeing that it had crawled its way back.  
Stiles also liked to think that he would be able to accept it, if Derek ever decided to move on for good. That he could let him go, let him be free, just like how Derek had told him that he would do the same for him if it ever came down to that.  
So if the grumpy wolf ever found a person to be less grumpy with - that was fine. Really. Not to mention that it would still hurt as fuck.  
But everything that Stiles wished for Derek was to have someone on his side who truly knew him.   
Someone who understood that Derek may not be a man of many words but his silence was an ocean of thoughts.  
Someone who appreciated his efforts, because all of them were genuine.   
Someone who didn't try to erase Derek's mistakes and instead accepted every aspect of him.  
Someone who mourned with him, who didn't leave him alone.  
Someone who loved him without any strings attached.  
Still, Stiles couldn't stop wondering if there's a chance left for him to become that someone again.

*

The problem was so silly, Stiles probably would have forgotten what the fight had been about if it hadn't been so crucial for everything that followed.   
Because it was the first time that he had left before settling the issue with Derek. Normally Stiles would always make sure that he at least gave Derek a goodbye hug or kiss before he went back to college, no matter how ugly their fight had been. Because if something happend... he just couldn't stomach the thought that their last memory would be a poisoned one.  
This time though both of them had been too stubborn. And Stiles knew it, of course he knew it, but he was sick of backing down again. So they kept bickering and bickering until Derek stormed out of their house.  
And Stiles? Stiles took his bag, wrote a note - "I went back" - and drove straight to Irvine. He spent the whole four hours cursing the hell out of Derek.  
Not to mention that he regretted it as soon as he arrived to the college dorm. He hadn't literally fought against monsters just to run away from Derek like a coward.  
"Fuck," he muttered, pacing fort and back in his small room. He decided to try to call him, but it just rang without an answer. Immediately panic began to rise its head but Stiles tried to hold it down. It would be unlikely for Derek to stay outside that long, but maybe he went for another run after realizing that Stiles had left. Or he was showering or simply to angry to talk with him right now.  
Also this probably wasn't something that they should deal with on phone. So Stiles typed out a message - "coming tmrw after class" - and sent it. He layed in his bed afterwards. Since he had left Beacon Hills earlier than planned it was still to soon to go to sleep, but he needed to sort out his mess. Every fiber of his being shook with the need to be with Derek like _right now_ , but he couldn't miss anymore of his classes after a particularly nasty cold had knocked him out last week.   
Still, the deep feeling of lost continued to crush over him like waves during a heavy storm.   
_Derek left first,_ he argued with himself, but he knew too well that Derek only leaved when it got too hard to control his wolf, when he was afraid of doing something stupid.  
He knew that Derek would have come back, maybe an hour or two later, and Stiles would still be pissed and sulking, but also a little bit relieved.  
Instead Derek had to come back to an empty house.  
"Fuck, fuck, fuck", Stiles cursed again and buried his face in his pillow. His thoughts didn't slow down until his phone informed him that Derek had answered with a short "OK".  
The next day Stiles dragged himself from class to class, not really comprehending anything. And as he sat there, feeling like he was only wasting hours he could've spent with Derek, he slowly but surly came to a conclusion.  
This time his mind was calm during the drive.  
He knew that Derek would hear him coming, so he wasn't surprised that Derek was already waiting for him when he arrived at the front door.  
"Derek," he yelled nonetheless, "I'm moving back."  
And Derek answered with breaking up with him.  
Okay, well, that wasn't exactly how it happened.  
They had settled down in the kitchen first. And Stiles should have had his suspicions when Derek gave him a cup of tea, before pouring one for himself, because drinking tea together was exactly what they used to do after the worst of Stiles' panic attack had passed.  
And then Derek said, "We need to talk", and holy shit, that was like the worst way to start a conversation. But Stiles knew that it was a necessary conversation, so he went along.  
"You're right," he answered, "Listen, Derek, I'm sorry for leaving like that yesterday. That wasn't okay. Like, pretty high on the 'shitty things one should not do' scale. But it's also obvious that this whole long distance thing isn't working out, right? And I don't... I don't want to lose our relationship over stupid things like that. Over fights we don't get the chance to solve because, oh wonder, the weekend is over again. So I'll come back here. We can move together into the new house. I mean, college is great, but it's not like I'll graduate tomorrow. We still have several years left and it's not worth it. I'll... I don't know, see if I can get into an online class thing." Stiles took a deep breath, waiting for Derek's answer.  
"Stiles, I don't think that's a good idea." Derek didn't quite meet his eyes, as he replied softly.  
"What? Why?" Stiles could feel how his heart clenched painfully. "You don't want to live with me?"  
"No, that's not what I meant. Of course I want to. Just, as I came back yesterday and you weren't home..."  
Stiles winced. "I'm _sorry._ "  
"I'm not mad. Well, not anymore. But I was afraid, alright? Afraid that something had happened. And I can't lose you, Stiles, not like that."  
Stiles choked at the desperation in Derek's voice.   
"Me neither," he whispered.  
Derek continued after some quite seconds. "But even more than that I don't want you to lose yourself. You already gave up so much for the people you care about. Stiles, if you give up that dream too, you'll end up wondering forever if it had been the wrong decision. You'll always ask yourself: If I had continued back then, would I be happier now? So, no, I don't think you should quit college and move back."  
Stiles swallowed, frantically searching for the right words to say. Yes, he had burst from excitement at the start of his first semester, yes, it had felt so damn good to study criminal justice, like he had always wanted. But he wanted Derek, too.  
"So what about us?" He nearly didn't dare to ask, but they couldn't avoid the question forever.   
Because it was clear that they would fall apart if they continued like that.  
Derek sighed. "I think we need a break."  
"A _what_?"  
"A break," Derek repeated and Stiles could see how much he struggled to do so. "Not a break up. Just a few months, a year, for you and me to concentrate on our own lifes."  
"But..." Stiles opened and closed his month, too shooked to comprehend. "Why? No, we need less distance, not more!"  
"We can't fix this right now," Derek tried to explain, "Not living in the same town is not the only reason for our problems. There's so much I still need to sort out with myself. And there's so much you need to experience without me. Stiles, you spent so much time being somebody's - being our researcher, being our emissary, being my boyfriend - but who are you without us? We need to solve those problems, but I don't think we can solve them together right now. And I don't... I don't want to ever not want you. I don't want to miss the point where we can save this, save us."  
Stiles let the sorrow in his chest overflow, let it stream down his cheeks. He wished he could have been angry, furios. Disappointed.  
Because this was so much worse. This wasn't some dumb case of misscommunication or underlying issues hidden behind excuses. This was Derek telling him with all honesty that he was afraid that their relationship would become a burden. This was Derek demanding a break, demanding space so they won't end up regretting loving each other.  
How was Stiles supposed to blame him for that?  
He remembered his phone call with Lydia. He remembered thinking how Derek and he had bonded through pain. So could it actually be that they had to let go of their pain first, in order to be able to find each other again?  
Before he knew it, he had thrown his arms around Derek, pressing their bodies against each other. And Derek hold him just as closely, his breath so near Stiles could feel it against his skin.  
"A year? And then... if both of us still want this relationship by then, we'll try again?" Stiles was surprised that those words actually came out of his mouth and didn't get stuck at the knot in his throat.  
He could feel Derek nodding in agreement. "A year. And then we talk again."  
"Alright," Stiles weakly answered, not loud enough to drown out the sound of breaking hearts.

*

"So... it's been a year." It had taken Stiles exactly his whole second milkshake to find the courage to finally address the reason of their meeting. But there was no way he could drink a third one and the waitress was starting to throw them annoyed looks because they've been occuping the table for a few hours.  
"Seems like it," Derek answered ambitious.  
"Well, after our deep conversation about the necessity of silicone seals in bathrooms, I would say you seem like doing okay." Stiles hold his empty glass with two hands, trying to conceal that they had started sweating.  
"I am." Derek gave him a shy smile. "I mean, better than expected, to be honest. It was a calm year, all in all."  
"Yeah." Stiles nooded thoughtful. It had been for him too, hadn't it? After their decision to take a break, he had expected to spent the whole year crying in his bed, but a few days, lots of strawberry ice cream and a trip to Los Angeles later, life had moved on somehow. After all he always knew that Derek would be there, if he really needed him. That was one thing they had promised each other on that particular day - that if something happened, something they couldn't deal with on their own, they would call. And the other one would be there.  
Stiles never called and Derek didn't either.  
Actually, the hardest part about all of this was dealing with the pack's reaction. He remembered Liam looking at them, as if his parents had told him they would have a divorce. But at least that gave Stiles the opportunity to give them the long due 'mind your own damned relationship' talk.   
Neither Derek nor Stiles had mentioned the one year deal in front of them all, though. Everything was complicated enough without someone's expectations.  
But the year was over now.  
"I'm fine, too," Stiles continued, as Derek remained silent. "But I missed you. I really, really missed you."  
_Missed throwing himself into Derek's arms, because he knew how good he fit in them, knew how much he belonged there._  
"I...," Derek's voice sounded rough all of the sudden and he had to clear his throat. "I missed you too," he finally answered and looked Stiles into the eyes, looked at him like he had a year ago. Like he was the only thing that mattered.  
Stiles wondered if Derek would still look at him like that if they hadn't decided to take a break.  
So what now?   
What were they supposed to do now, knowing that love wasn't always enough? That you could love someone with every breath you take, could let it morphe into your body until it becomes impossible to be separated from you. But just like air, love isn't something you can hold on to. Love needs a strong foundation or it will crumble, sooner or later.  
It may be the strongest weapon on earth, it may have brought Jackson back to live all those years ago, it may, it may, it may.  
It may end.  
All that funk with soulmates and bites and forevers?  
Alright, Stiles admitted it: That shit was good. It was the fucking happy end they deserved after everything they've gone through.  
But it wasn't real.  
And who knew better the dangers of losing reality than Stiles?  
So maybe this moment right know was all they had left. Maybe this afternoon had been a chance to love each other one last time.  
After all, most people told stories about how love began or how it ended. But only a few wrote about the middle. The boring, normal middle. And he got it. There's no drama, no huge words. There's just life, waking up together, going to college or work or something like that, eating dinner. Watching a movie on the weekend. Having sex. Who wants to read about that? Well, maybe expect for the sex part.  
But truth is, the middle was hart. Because when you're not distracted by either being disgustingly cute in love or having a broken heart, you have to deal with all the other aspects of a relationship. You have to deal with disagreements and different views. You have to come to the conclusion that sex is fucking great and making-up sex is even better but unfortunately not a solution for every fight. You have to find the answers. You have to decide if having a relationship was hard sometimes but worth it, so damn worth it, or if had become too painful to endure.  
"You never got to see the finished house, right?" Derek asked and brought Stiles back from his thoughts.  
"Oh, yeah, you're right."  
During the three years of them being together-together the building itself had been completed, but it wasn't until they were not-together-anymore-but-not-really-not-together-either that it had become the official pack residence.  
"I made sure that nobody is there today if you would like to see it", Derek told him, before quickly adding, "but I get it if you're too tired or want so see your dad first."  
Stiles wanted to say "let's go" immediately, but a part of him hesitated. As if spending the evening with Derek too, would also be the second step on the way that leaded back to their relationship. And it would be a long way.  
Stilee had spent lot of time thinking about choices. How Kate had forced Derek to become an alpha by killing his family, by causing Peter to lose his mind - and how the decision to safe Cora had forced him to become a beta again. How Peter had turned Scott without his consent, how he had changed all of their lifes that night. How faith hadn't bothered a second to ask Stiles if he was interested in spending years of his life shaking with fear, always waiting for the next attack, the next tragedy.  
How Derek might be the only one who actually gave him a choice.  
Stiles smiled and his heart filled with warm as he saw a reflection of that smile on Derek's face.  
He could leave.   
He could to stay.   
He could choose. 

So that's exactly what he did.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, first of all: I know. You want a sappy ending with a lot of sweet kisses and promises. Believe me, I want that too. I just couldn't write it that way because it would go against the whole purpose of this story. But I don't want to leave you unsatisfied so I'll state here that I officially support the head canon that Stiles and Derek get to be happy together. That they choose to be happy together.  
> (oh and since you read til the end I'm here to confess that I've never actually seen an episode of TW. I basically discovered a few TW fanfictions a while ago, read them and became way to much attached to Sterek. But I will do it some day, I promise!)


End file.
